The Most Brutal Lines from Veep S07E03: ‘Pledge’

As Veep wraps up its run at a time where our contemporary political realities have long surpassed any reasonable semblance of parody, it’s become rather important that Veep at least try and commentate on all of that craziness through its biting, no-punch-pulling lens. Under Armando Iannucci (and during the transitional David Mandel years), this was a show about worthless, lackadaisical beaurocrats running out the clock on a pointless political stepping stone, either on their way to greener pastures or serving penance for past slights. But as it eventually became clear that Selina Meyer was meant for greater things, the show slowly transformed itself, all the while getting more and more ruthless and more and more cynical. Now in its final form, it’s only fitting that Veep embraces the insanity of the current political landscape and translate the current popular versions of things such as white nationalism and misogyny through its own lens of commentary.

The result of that so far this season has mostly bore fruit through the Jonah storyline, as Timothy Simons has long proven to be this show’s ultimate punching bag. Jonah Ryan is stupid, rude, bigoted, ignorant and incompetent, which makes him the perfect poster boy for both this show and its translation of the political landscape, leading to some excellent humour over the course of the last three episodes. But in a surprise twist, by the end of this week’s episode, it’s Selina embracing, at least in part, that mantra, as she breaks down in a debate fumble of her own making and turns it into a resurgent moment as she tells an African-American candidate who can’t stop using her identity as a crutch to “man up,” as she did all the years she had to quietly endure misogyny in order to reach her current status. The people (which, on Veep, share social status with the likes of Jonah Ryan) eat it up and she winds up winning the debate and sinking her political opponents, after the floundering she had to endure over the course of the first two episodes.

It’s an interesting stance for this show to take, tacitly admitting that these steps back are tried and true political maneuvers. Selina is and always has been selfish, her entire existence hinging on the idea that she’s paid her dues and waited her turn to be president, that she’s earned and deserves a run as president. But she’s also always been a bleeding-heart progressive, so for her to quote-unquote turn to the dark side and so easily get a win is as biting a stance for this show to take as anything else it’s ever done. It’s early in the season, and “Pledge” is an admittedly transitional episode that aimed to get Selina from points A and B to C, but I wonder if this is something the show might stick to en route to whatever endgame they have in mind.

But even as a transitional episode, this was as hilarious as the show has been this year, with plenty of material for Selina (I loved her funeral blackball list and kind of wished they mined it for a few more jokes), a great Jonah subplot with a lot of visual humour (including several unfortunate press pics of him at the fair, him eating two different-sized corndogs, and debating a wizard), Richard succeeding a dog as the mayor of an Iowan town, and the perfect setup for next week as the episode ends with Amy getting a call from Teddy asking her to become Jonah’s campaign manager, a job she enthusiastically (and presumably ironically) accepts, likely in order to fuck with Jonah.

And speaking of Amy, she had what’s likely to stand as the most brutal piece of dialog of the season, so without further adieu, let’s get to this week’s best lines from “Pledge”!

Brutal Takedown of the week: Listen, I have shit to do, I can’t copy down every single line of dialog from this show. But I couldn’t help but do it for this epic takedown from Amy, trying to enter an abortion clinic in Iowa facing down a bunch of protesters. I pretty much can’t think of a better way to react in that situation, and from now on this should be the go-to in the abortion debate

You want me to think about the children, you hog fingering fucks? Well I did I think about this, and I cried and, yeah suck my cock, I prayed a little. And here I am! So you can back the fuck off, you hypocritical cunts, before i show up to the piss puddle that is your house and protest your husband wacking it to your daughter’s seventh grade yearbook. That sign’s misspelt.

  • Selina: “It sounds like Dr. Seuss fucked Maya Angelou in the yasmatazz and then filled her all up with snoozeliscuzz.”
  • Selina: “Last thing I need is my picture being taken eating dick-shaped food. I’d rather eat a food-shaped dick.”
  • Richard: “My uncle was a shop steward for the 7-4. Asbestos killed him. Asbestor was the name of their pit bull.”
  • Jonah: “I’m Jonah Ryan and I wanna suck this message’s hot clam.”
  • Teddy/Jonah: “We focus tested the ad and most people are uncomfortable watching a white man kick a black woman in the vagina.” “Well I don’t see vagina colour.”
  • Richard: “On the plus column the undecard debate will be first, which means we’ll have no problem getting out of the parking lot. Oh no, that’s bad news too, it’s stacked parking.”
  • Teddy/Jonah: “You can’t say retarded in front of a reporter.” “Why, was he retarded?”
  • Mike: “Ever since i got it they stopped calling me old guy. Now it’s hat guy.” “It’s fat guy.”
  • Selina: “Look at you! You got chocolate all over your face like a child, but you’re an adult!”
  • Dan’s harrowing abortion knowledge: “Is that the Berkeley VC10? Cause that’s the Shelby Cobra GT of vag vacs!”
  • Selina: “What’s up with the Clubfoot Cuntessa?”
  • Richard: “Novelty mayors are Iowa’s top source of tourism. After tornado chasing, and coming into town to buy Sudafed.”
  • Teddy: “You have to be more PC than a clit ring made out of wheatgrass.”
  • Selina: “I want you to add the Dalai Lama to this list, because i’m going to be the only stiff at my funeral.”
  • Selina: “And this must be Mrs. Ryan. Or do you go by your maiden name, Mrs. Ryan?”
  • Selina/Richard: “But don’t you have to be a dog [to be the mayor]?” “Legally, yes, but it’s unenforceable.”
  • Kent/Selina: “Ma’am, that’s your funeral blackball list.” “And all of you are on it!”
Advertisements

The Most Brutal Lines from Veep S07E02: ‘Discovery Weekend’

Last week’s season premiere of Veep was all about proving that the long-running HBO satire still had a place in the discourse on American politics. Could it be as biting and brutal as it was for its first six seasons, especially after nearly two years off the air?

The answer was an unsurprising and resounding yes, but it was nice to get confirmation that the show wouldn’t spend its final episodes on some sort of tame farewell tour. And while the season’s second episode, “Discovery Weekend”, was probably a little laid back in comparison, the show and its cavalcade of assholes were still firing on most cylinders this week, delivering vicious lines and takedowns on topics including but not limited to the #MeToo movement, women in presidential politics, the (gay) money behind said presidential politics, somehow bulimia, and a lot more.

The episode sees Selina and the campaign visit a major political donor’s weekend getaway where he is set to announce his backing of a single Democratic candidate. That donor is Felix Wade (played by the great William Fitchner), a political power player whose sexual preferences are the worst kept secret in politics (which doesn’t stop Selina from putting her foot in her mouth and accidentally outing him to an unwitting Mike; whose habitual and often forgotten presence now that he’s no longer in the campaign is quickly becoming one of my favourite things about this season) and who has decided to back Selina. Problem is that Tom James (Hugh Laurie) decides to stick his apparently gigantic penis where it doesn’t belong, renewing one of the show’s best will-they-won’t-they love/hate dynamics between him ans Selina. Tom complicates matters by telling Selina he legitimately loves her right before she’s set to deliver a speech that would guarantee her Felix’s money, causing her to stumble and lose ground. He also gets caught by Amy fooling around with his new Amy (the brilliantly cast Rhea Seahorn, who may as well be a clone of Anna Chlumsky’s).

So Selina and the gang spend most of the episode trying to stop Felix from falling too far in love with Tom, all while trying to do something “disruptive” to get his attention, which incidentally leaves them in the dust when Selina introduces Felix to a multiracial senator who Felix winds up back and who Selina describes as her protege (and therefore a perfect candidate to stab her in the back), leaving us in Veep’s favourite territory; right back where we started.

Meanwhile, the Jonah Ryan campaign is going just as well, as his repeated lies about all the women he’s clearly never gone out with come back to haunt him. While Teddy and the rest of his staff ponder what he could have done to offend a number of women, it turns out they’ve all banded together to create the wittingly labeled “#NotMe” movement to out Jonah as a liar and prove they’ve never slept with him. It’s a nice play on words with regards to the #MeToo movement and also bad news for Jonah, seeing as the trump card (I hate myself for that, don’t worry) of his campaign is his misplaced braggadocio.

All of this keeps the wheels moving on the show, but it’s interesting to see things move rather slowly two weeks into this final season. I wonder if we’re going to spend the entire season in the primaries, in order to mimic real life, or if a time jump is in the show’s near future. In any case, that doesn’t stop “Discovery Weekend” from being another great episode, so let’s not waste any more time. Below you’ll find all the great, brutal lines from this week’s episode:

  • Jonah Ryan Dunk of the Week: “Dead-eyed lanterned-jawed one-and-done congresstard” (Jonah: “That could be anyone.”)
  • Furlong: “I would have invited my wife but she’s a squirter and that dress doesn’t look scotch guarded.”
  • Selina/Gary/Selina: “Come on that is idiotic. Is he really that insecure?” “Come on that is idiotic. Is he really that insecure?” “Gary gets it.”
  • Gary/Selina: “Amy’s bulimic.” “It’s about time. And I’ll tell you something, she might want to consider more purging, less binging.”
  • Kent to Amy: “You’ve got some vomit on your mustache.”
  • Selina to Tom, upon meeting his new Amy: “What’s up with Frigid Von Pole-up-her-ass?”
  • Selina/Kent: “He cannot spend another second with Felix without me jammed in between them like the cross piece in an Eiffel Tower threesome.” “MMF, the devil’s threesome.”
  • Selina: “An all female ticket? I don’t think so. The American people work hard for a living, they don’t need that kind of bullshit.”
  • Tom: “I believe the word you’re fumbling for is mansplaining.”
  • Teddy: “Jonah who have you traumatized? Start with the doctor that delivered you.”
  • Teddy: “If anyone asks, tell them you’ve been chemically castrated. It’s very easy to lie about and trust me, nobody checks.”
  • Kent: “In current gay parlance Dan represents somewhere between a wolf and an otter. Some would say a frost otter.”
  • Selina: “Dan fucked YOU? What were you wearing, a full length mirror?”
  • Selina: “I did not spend my entire life defending a woman’s right to choose for you to choose this.”
  • Jonah: “I split the bill on all my dates. Why would I pay for a woman to get fatter?”
  • Selina/Gary and his bath bomb: “Is it gonna explode between my legs and make me cum until I cry?” “I think it’s peppermint.”
  • Ben: “You’re going to be drowning in money so dark it would get shot entering its own apartment.”
  • Selina: “How dare that smooth shitsack cheat on his wife and risk his political future with someone that’s not me.”
  • Jonah/Richard: “I have scoliosis?” “Yes, clearly.”

The Most Brutal Insults from Veep S07E01: ‘Iowa’

In this endless onslaught of sociopolitical turmoil, it’s kind of crazy realize we’ve gone almost two full years without a season of Veep. The last time HBO’s biting political sitcom was on the air, we were only a few months into the trump administration. When season 6 premiered, we were still talking about the travel ban and the administration’s ceaseless attempts to strip Americans of their right to healthcare. We had barely heard of the name “Robert Mueller” and only had vague suspicions of Russian election interference. In retrospect, those were much simpler times. Perhaps the show and its writers felt the same, as the biggest criticism against season 6 was probably that it felt like it didn’t belong. Some attributed it to the show’s age, or how far passed its original premise it had gone, but it’s quite possible that it was because the show didn’t have any relevance or identity as a pre-trump show living in a post-trump world. I’ll defend season 6 as being as funny as any season that came before it, but I’m willing to admit that perhaps its timing and its insistence on being more about an oblivious, out-of-touch ex-president rather than anything more biting was probably detrimental to how it would be remembered.

And that may be one of the reasons why it took showrunner David Mandel and his crew almost a full two years to prepare this, the seventh and final season. This is a show that was birthed from the cynicism of Obama-era obstructionist politics, a show that took as much inspiration from the then sitting VP Joe Biden as it did from its British predecessor, The Thick Of It. Those were much simpler times, where the ineffectual nature of politics could actually be mined for humour. Things are a lot more complicated now. A lot more sinister. And it’s not like the show could simply cast Alec Baldwin or Tony Atamanuik to play trump, this is a fictional world, deviated from the actual politics of the 21st century. Portraying the post-trump world without donald trump likely proved to be a much harder nut to crack.

With this past week’s season 7 premiere, “Iowa”, it’s probably safe to say that the show found where it had stored its nut cracker, because that biting commentary, that brutal take-no-prisoners attitude of the show was out and swinging with a fantastic episode. An episode that in no way forgets Veep’s roots as being about a terrible, selfish politician and the terrible selfish people around her, while still finding the perfect moments to crack the whip in the direction of white nationalism and gun culture.

The episode centers largely around Selina’s repeated failed attempts to announce her presidential campaign. She arrives at the wrong Iowan airport, she’s stalled by multiple mass shootings, she’s stonewalled by unpaid contractors and her staff’s failures. And when she does finally announce, her declaration is overshadowed by the shitshow that is Jonah Ryan’s literally incestuous campaign, which, it turns out, people find more raw and appealing than a business-as-usual Selina Meyer running once again for president.

The episode established that, in its final season, Veep will not cease to be a show about terrible people insulting each other terribly for being bad at their jobs. It’s almost like it’s going through an existential crisis, as Selina constantly laments the ineffective nature of her staff all while making the exact same mistakes they try to warn her about. And yet, it’s also a show that rips apart the debate around mass shootings, purposely never taking an actual stance on the matter and playing into the ridiculous nature of the “thoughts and prayers” response (to the point where Selina slapdashedly tries to rebrand it as “mindfulness and meditations” instead of actually trying to say something substantive, only doing so absentmindedly when questioned by Mike, whom she forgets no longer works for her. The way the episode tackles the politicization of mass shootings is absolutely brutal and hilarious, as is what they set up with Jonah Ryan playing the post-trump candidate. I hope this isn’t insulting towards Timothy Simons, because he’s really good as playing a disgusting, gargantuan monster who you can totally believe is the rallying call of the alt-right (and yet “alt-right” and “white nationalism” are terms that aren’t uttered in this episode, and likely never will be over the course of the season, because this show is truly that brilliant when it comes to subtext).

In other words, this is a great episode that feels like it earned its two year break. It feels like it’s cemented its place in the modern political conversation, despite arguably feeling out of touch the last time we saw it, and without losing sight of what got it here. It seems like it’s adapted perfectly, all while managing a huge, talented cast where there still is a lead that’s head-and-shoulders above all the rest; and as you’ll see below, that lead manages to steal the show despite the ever-growing cast that not only brings back pretty much everyone from previous seasons and adds the incomparable Andy Daly as Selina’s accidental new campaign manager.

“Iowa” proves that Veep’s still got it, and with nothing left to hold back, this final season is shaping up to be one hell of a ride.

Below are my favourite lines from the episode, be sure to check back weekly for the rest of the season!

  • Jonah Insult of the Week: 80-story Skyraper
  • Amy: “Hey, sweatpants! You can’t just walk out, this isn’t a Terrence Malick movie.”
  • Selina: “I’m not sure about the part where I say I want to be president for all Americans. I mean, do I? All of them?”
  • Selina: “If Mohammed Atta had you people booking his travel he’d still be alive today. Which from his perspective would be a massive fuckup.”
  • Dan/Selina: “FYI we’re tracking a school shooting in Spokane, Washington.” “Muslim or white guy? Which one’s better for me?”
  • Amy/Selina: “First of all, there was a reluctance on the part of the candidate to take responsibility for mistakes.” “What, no, you were the one who made mistakes.” “Second, there was a culture of blame which made people feel unsafe expressing criticisms.” “What dumb asshole said that?”
  • Selina: “How about I write 500 pages on how you need to start wearing concealer?”
  • Selina (escaping Marjorie): “I just had to get away from Blue is the Most Annoying Color.”
  • Selina/Amy: “Amy, why would you want to be president?” “So I could nuke America.”
  • Teddy/Bill: “How did this not come up?” “The same reason it didn’t come up that he moisturizes with Minotaur semen, it’s not one of the standard questions!”
  • Kent: “Google always filters out my emails, they think I’m a bot.”
  • Selina/Ben: “I really thought my 50s would be about sucking and fucking my way through the Shorestein Center.” “You and me both, ma’am.”
  • Amy: “I don’t want people to think I was going for Megan Egan because that sounds like someone who gets assfucked on the Major Deegan in a limerick.”
  • Selina: “I was a gamechanger, I took a dump on the glass ceiling and I shaved my muff in the sink of the old boys club.”
  • Ben: “technically it’s more of a goat rape than a clusterfuck.”
  • Jonah: “It’s exactly what Woody Allen did. I’m clearly no more of a pervert than he is.”